This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
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A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
That de-escalated quickly
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”