*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
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Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.