Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
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I’m not wrong
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Ken is short for chicken
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys