[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
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One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
Spring cleaning checklist…
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush