What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
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Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Warm pools make me nervous.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Thoughts
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out