[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
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Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?