I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
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Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.