Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
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maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.