Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
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[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.