like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
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hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…