Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
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this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”