Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
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I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Breaking news:
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?