i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
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you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*