A short story of betrayal:
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Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.