By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
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Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.