ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
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“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get