Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
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I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!