[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
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They’re not wrong
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again