ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
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Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
seems fine
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.