You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
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Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
Rt to bother an English speaker
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
At least my masseuse has my back.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d