Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
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Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,