If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
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My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Brb my Sims are getting married
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.