Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
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Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.