date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
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I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”