If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
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wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you