[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
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Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen