Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
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I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
when someone rings the doorbell
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
British websites use biscuits.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.