Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
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Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
The biggest mystery of our time
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Sign of the day..
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”