Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
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HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
moms in horror movies
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”