12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
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Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
same energy
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night