If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
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Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Not even remotely sorry.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people