You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
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Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Catering service
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.