WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
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-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae