“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
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Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Rooting for the overdog
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years