I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
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I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
I identify as an antique shop.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*