Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
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As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
I beg your pardon?
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
I’m just playing devils avocado here
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.