My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
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Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
stop
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]