I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
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I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
o shit
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Moms. The original autocorrect.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok