Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
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I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.