Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
You Might Also Like
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Most fashion shows these days…
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen