The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
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I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
I love the honesty
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
#oldknees
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.