I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
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toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain