Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
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If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe