I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
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They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
he’s sick of your bullshit today
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
December birthdays be like…
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭