i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
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My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!