Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
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I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
I have never related to anyone more.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too