Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
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2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so