[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
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When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.