I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
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The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?