Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
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The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat